bad bad day.
i'm ap the whole dae.
first bad news in the morning.
felicia n mi not same class.
tho i noe not much hope.
but sad la.
y everyone so lucky.
von got same class as denise.
others oso quite ok in new classes.
i'm still same class din change tho combi changed.
envy others.
denied a second chance.
cried on bus n in class.
haha everyone believed tat it was my contact lens prob.
wateva.
duno how to explain my behaviour todae.
maybe i'm unreasonable.
maybe i'm selfish.
maybe i'm just jealous.
i duno.
todae is juz a too big blow altogether for mi.
duno y i feel threatened.
maybe i behave like tat coz i dun wan to go thru the pain of losing a fren. close frens.
it's even more painful to lose them slowly.
i know tat familiar pain.
so i would rather lose them now n fast.
maybe the ending would be as bad but losing them will be due to my actions.
i dun wan it to happen.
i juz can't control myself.
i duno y juz can't continue faking a smile.
i know i should be happy for u.
should rejoice for u.
i know my reactions and nehaviour are stupid n childish and unreasonable.
but maybe i'm too possessive.
maybe i'm scared and insecure.
maybe i'm sensitve and dumb.
maybe these days life have made mi idotic and stupid and vulnerable and oversuspicious.
maybe after so much in this 16 years i no longer trust any kind of relationship esp friendship to be strong
i believe it's juz matter of time i lose u 2.
so i can't bring myself to face u all.
i will be there when u r sad.
i will be there if u nid mi.
i will be there if u got prob.
but i duno how to react anymore.
the awkardness.
the thoughts tat run thru my mind wen i see u.
it's stupid n dumb to ruin great friendships like tat.
but hey i'm not a great loss anyway.
i'm redundant and sacrifacial.
u all will make great pals
i dun wan to be the middle person.
where i juz stand there as an eye sore.
the loss is overwhelming.
it breaks my heart too to behave like tat.
to be such a dreadful and unreasonable person.
it hurts to lose u all after wat we have been thru.
it hurts to drift apart after being best frens with u all.
then suddenly we will not be. it frightens mi.
but i duno. it's inevitable rite.
u ppl are the onli ones i haf in vjc.
without u all i'll prob be disorientated and lost.
but i rather it now tat later. where pain will be more.
all the best.
maybe u all will think i'm so freaking petty selfish and unreasonable being like tat.
but i duno how to xplain.
no one can know and understand fully how others feel.
it's just naturally born in mi. this way of thinking. this way of attitude.
my class too todae went out to i duno where.
then goign suntec toghether.
they prob think i'm antisocial.
and while they bond with one anotehr i'm drifting further.
think i''ll be all alone again in classes in breaks in ccas in free time.
anywhere anytime.
life sux.
i dun wan to go on anymore.
it's so damn freaking tired.
i'm so filled with dread and hatred that i lose my ability to love.